I had always heard of the Meet Rack, and all that can happen during your visit at the dusty dive bar. But never in my wildest, drunken dreams did I ever think I'd leave with a brand of God himself.
After a couple of hours, several beers, a couple mixed drinks, and a cheeseburger later, I was in the hot seat waiting to meet my maker.
Owner Jim "God" Anderson emerged from his living quarters in one corner of the bar to brand me like livestock. He even offered to grill up a burger for me. I've got to admit, the burger was actually appetizing.
Once the branding iron was fired up, God approached me with the glowing metal stick. With the small audience waiting to see the show, there was no turning back. I would soon have God's face on my arm for good.
Before I could say "snap, crackle, and pop," I felt the scorching branding iron melt my skin. Fortunately, my visit was documented. Enjoy.
I had heard rumors that if you were branded, you'd be excused from paying for any of your drinks for life. I was wrong. You actually receive a 20 percent discount if you're confident enough to show your scar to the bartender upon arrival.
Now, I had never been branded before. I had no idea how to take care of such a wound, so my brand looks nothing like what it's supposed to represent. It's not a spitting image of God, but a blob I call a "Meet Rack brand."
As you can imagine, I was shamed into going to the emergency room the next day to get myself checked out.
After about an hour in a hospital lobby, a tetanus shot, and giggles from the nurse, I checked out just fine. Honestly, the tetanus shot hurt more than the branding.
As far as visiting the Meet Rack, I recommend popping your head in because it's one of those dive bars you must visit if you're either living in Tucson or just passing through. Just ask the comedian, Zach Galifianakis, or the Terminator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The bar's walls are covered with lights, undergarments, and artifacts that tell God's story and all of the people that he's met throughout his lifetime. He even appeared in an episode of the People's Court because someone agreed to get branded on their skin, but instantly regretted it the next day. God won the case.
At least a thousand people have received the brand, so I'm not the only one who was so easily convinced to get the lifelong coupon. I even received a little card with a number that proves I was an unofficial member of the Meet Rack's crew.
I have yet to visit the Meet Rack since my branding. My last visit literally scarred me for life, but it's time to take advantage of the discount that's been cauterized onto my arm.
The Meet Rack is located at 210 W. Drachman St. Keep up with the Meet Rack on Facebook.
At a very young age, Matt Sterner was gifted with the artistic ability to masterfully roll a burrito to the highest of standards, but the wrapped medley of delicious innards wasn’t his first love. Matt’s first true love was a...