Best Restaurants to Break Up with Someone in Tucson

Breaking up is hard to do, but does it have to be? Tailoring it to a specific person makes it an art, so keep that in mind while choosing from the restaurants listed below.

Grab your courage, car keys, and “we need to talk” face. Here’s where to make the heartbreak a little more bearable (for both of you).

Casual, but Crushing

Maybe you dated someone who hit you with “I love you” within the first month, and you’re just not ready for that. Don’t get stuck with a, “check, please,” followed by the awkward silence that feels like years. Go fast-casual and pay before you eat. For your sake and theirs, don’t draw it out with a long dinner.

Seis Kitchen (Mercado San Agustín)

130 South Avenida del Convento #100

Outdoor seating, fast service, and a getaway-friendly plaza. The excitement of margaritas and sizzling fajitas helps distract from the heartache. You can end things and browse raw selvedge denim and handmade jewelry nearby within five minutes.

For more information, visit seiskitchen.com.

Kimchi Time

2900 E. Broadway Blvd.

Sharing a bottle of soju might ease the pain. Order the deokbokki extra spicy to further distract from the sting of your words. Come during peak weekend hours so the sound of the karaoke can drown out their crying.

Keep up with Kimchi Time on Instagram.

Fentonelli’s Pizzeria and Bar

7262 N. Oracle Rd.

Your soon-to-be ex can savor the pizza with you, since it will be the last thing you’ll share together. While you’re at it, order some of their stellar mozzarella sticks for the cutie at the bar.

For more information, visit fentonellispizzeria.com.

“Let’s be adults about this.”

Maybe you’ve dated for years, maybe you even have children together. But you gotta do what you gotta do. It will be emotional, but being in a refined environment will make yelling feel extremely out of place, and they hopefully have enough shame to avoid that. When a civil, graceful goodbye is in order, these are our picks.

Contigo Latin Kitchen

3770 E. Sunrise Dr.

If your “it’s not you, it’s me” lands a little too hard, your soon-to-be-ex can just gaze out at the landscape and pretend to care about saguaro silhouettes over the Catalina Foothills instead of the fact that you’re dumping them over paella.

For more information, visit eatatcontigo.com.

Vivace

6440 N. Campbell Ave.

Upscale Italian and beautiful ambiance. It’s the kind of place where you can pretend you’re in a romantic movie, even if you’re ending the plot.

For more information, visit vivacetucson.com.

This article was written as satire for April Fools’ Day, but hey, it might still be useful for you.